It’s been an…interesting week. Lots of ups and downs. Emotional meltdowns. Pulling myself back together. Rinse and repeat.
The truth is that’s pretty much been my life for most of the past year.
I’m in my first year of my own business and it is exciting, beautiful, overwhelming, terrifying, stressful, and amazing. Sometimes all at once. In some ways it’s expanded and evolved in ways I couldn’t have dreamed of. In others I’m struggling and often doubt my ability to make it work.
When people ask how things are going, I tend to focus on the positive and share those things. And there are a lot of things going really amazingly well. My Invisible Mothers book project is unfolding in ways I could never have dreamed of. I have some of the most amazing clients. I love the work that I’m doing and I wake up excited to do it.
Rarely, however, do I talk about the challenges and struggles – not in any kind of naked realness. I’ve become an expert at sugarcoating.
I don’t share the nights I can’t sleep worrying about how I’m going to buy food or pay my rent or feed the cat. Or how I sometimes now wake up in the midst of an anxiety attack for no specific reason at all when I’ve never had an anxiety attack in my life before this past year.
I don’t talk about how utterly tired I feel and how much I just want 4 consecutive days off to sleep and not think, to have 4 days of a quiet mind that stops obsessing about work, even the work that I love and adore, but that I can’t bring myself to take the time out of fear and a brain that won’t shut off.
I don’t mention that part of the reason I spend so much time hiking and running and being active is because it’s the one thing that can slow my brain down even a little so I can bring the best of myself to my clients and my work – because I do want to bring only my best to them.
And a hundred other things I don’t talk about because I feel too embarrassed or ashamed to tell even my closest friends. Because I’m a counselor, for cripes sake, and a Science of Mind practitioner, I should be able to handle this better.
Perhaps that’s true. Perhaps I should be better able to handle the anxiety and the fear and the doubts.
This is where I am, though. I am both thriving and struggling. I am both excited and terrified. I am both overwhelmed and exhilarated. I am both stressed at the challenges and amazed with the way things are unfolding.
I don’t want to be ashamed or embarrassed with where I am anymore. Because there’s nothing wrong with where I am or how I’m handling things. I’m still a kickass counselor. I’m still there for my family and friends. I’m still a brave soul going after my dreams.
I am handling it. I’m handling the anxiety attacks. I’m dealing with the sleepless nights. I’m finding bits of rest where I can. While I may not know the specifics of how stuff will work out from month to month, week to week, or even day to day, it generally does.
More importantly, I’m not giving up. I’m stubborn 🙂 And I love what I’m doing. I have faith that it will grow and expand and be amazingly successful. As scary as it is, I wouldn’t trade this wild adventure for anything.
So, this is me. Being open and real and nakedly honest.
How about you? Anything you’ve been sugarcoating? Want to join me in the open and raw and realness?