*heads up to my invisible mamas: there is talk of a living child in this video.

The latest “Voices of Loss” video with Amelia Kowalisyn of Emma’s Footprints and On Coming Alive!

You can find more info on Amelia’s story and work on the links to FB pages above and more info on the upcoming workshops here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/on-coming-alive-bereaved-paren…

For Emily’s books, you can find them here:
You Are Not Alone: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0996555625/
Invisible Mothers: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0996555609/

YANA book coverDear Beautiful Mother,

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby. I know that the pain and grief and numbness and confusion you are feeling now seem unbearable and massive. Babies aren’t supposed to die. Yet here you are. Here we both are, for I like you, had to say goodbye far far far too soon.

I know there are no words I can say to fix this or take away your pain. I can’t wake you up from this terrible nightmare. I can’t fill your empty and aching arms. I can’t bring back your precious baby.

But I can say this: You did nothing wrong. You loved your baby and cared for them as fiercely and fully as any mother – and you are a mother, now and always. If anything in this world could overcome death, it would be the deep and powerful love of a parent for their child. You are the fiercest of warrior mamas, carrying love and grief in your very bones through life without your precious child.

You are not alone. There are many of us who are walking this journey of loss. When you are ready, we are here waiting to wrap you in love. We can’t bring them back to you any more than we could have brought our own babies back. We can, however, speak their name with you, remember their lives, honor your deep mother love, and stand with you as we hold each other up.

Big Hugs + So Much Love,

Emily
Mama to Grace and Lily

It’s here! You Are Not Alone: Love Letters from Loss Mom to Loss Mom is now available in print and ebook format!! A special book for grieving mamas from other grieving mamas who get it. You are not alone – we are with you. 

Dear DoctorsDear Doctors of the World,

Let’s talk about miscarriage, stillbirth, and the loss of children, shall we?

I know it’s not a popular, feel-good topic, but let’s face it – if you work with women of childbearing age or post-childbearing ages, it’s going to come up. And, quite frankly, the lack of wanting to talk about this topic is causing some of you to be callous and insensitive during what, for you, seem like simple and routine medical questions.

Let’s take my most recent doctor visit for example. We’ll call this doctor, Dr. D. Here’s how the routine questions went:

Dr. D: Have you had any pregnancies?

Me: Two.

Dr. D: How many children?

Me: None living.

Dr. D: Terminated?

Me: No. I had a daughter who was stillborn at 21 weeks and another who was miscarried at 10 weeks.

Dr. D: Silence. Then moved on to the next question without comment.

Hold up a minute. Seriously? How exactly is it that the only scenario that you can come up with when I disclose I have had pregnancies but no living children is that I have had abortions? That’s fucked, Dr. D.

Don’t get me wrong – I have nothing against abortion. For many, many reasons, abortion may be the best or only option and I absolutely and completely believe in women’s right to make this choice.

What I can’t believe is that the only explanation you could think of, Dr. D, for pregnancies that didn’t result in living children is that the mother choose to terminate those pregnancies.

Really? In all your years of medical training and practice, you’ve never heard of miscarriage and stillbirth? Or even the possibility that my children were born health and alive but died due to other circumstances later? Or that I gave him/her up for adoption? If a pregnancy doesn’t end in a living child, for you that means abortion?

So, not only is that fucked, it’s just plain ignorance and poor medical practice. I’m not even going to get into the lack of acknowledgement of my experience or the loss of my children.

Let me show you how that conversation could have gone:

Dr. D: Have you had any pregnancies?

Me: Two.

Dr. D: How many children?

Me: None living.

Dr. D: Can you tell me what happened?

Me: I had a daughter who was stillborn at 21 weeks and another who was miscarried at 10 weeks.

Dr. D: I’m so sorry. What were their names?

Me: Grace and Lily.

Dr. D: Have you had any medical complications or concerns related to Grace or Lily’s deaths?

And the routine medical questions continue…

See, Dr. D, a little basic compassion and a few seconds of addition conversation would have gone a LONG way toward building a trusting relationship with you and for my trust in your abilities as my doctor. As it is, for this and other reasons, I’ll never step foot in your office again. Nor will I recommend you to anyone else. If fact, I’ll be telling anyone who might ask to steer far and clear from walking through your doors.

And I wish, I really wish, Dr. D, I could say you are the only doctor to fuck up that line of routine questioning. Unfortunately, it’s all too common of an occurrence.

There are a few doctors out there that get this right, like my amazing primary care doctor whose routine questioning pretty much played out like the second example above. But there are far too many like you who blunder forward with assumptions, insensitivity, and ignorance.

Miscarriage, stillbirth, and child death do happen. As someone wanting to provide my medical care, you should probably be aware of that.

Sincerely,
A fierce and loving mother without her children


Beauty+Life+You

Twice monthly inspiration to find the beauty in life, in yourself, and in every situation.

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