Phantom Child
I don’t know what she looks like, but I see her everywhere. I see her darting in and out among the kids off to school. I see her in the nighttime, tucked away in bed. I see her beside me in the car – some
In Our Darkest Times, We Never Know What Will Save Us
I always thought that if I worked hard enough and had a solid plan in life, everything would work out. Life was something to be managed and arranged. I believe that if I wanted something badly enough, I could make it happen. Life didn’t work
Receiving Support After the Death of Your Baby
I keep trying to write about receiving support after the death of our precious babies – how to ask for it, how to accept it, and the difficulties of both. Instead, I find myself crying and the words get jumbled up in my head. If
Remember Them
Someone recently asked me if there was any one thing, one most important thing, I would ask of people around the death and grief of my daughters’ deaths. I was surprised at how easily my answer came – there are so many things I could
What I Wish People Had Said After My Babies Died
You are a mother, now and always. You did not cause this. You are an amazing mother who did the very best she could. This is not your fault. You are not alone. You are allowed to grieve. As much, as long, and however you
Silent Doorbells
For me, the holiday season starts with Halloween. It begins when the costumes and candy and pumpkins begin to fill the shelves and stores. Along with it, comes that dull aching and longing for the missing pieces of my life that will never be.
What Loss Has Taught Me About Life
It has been 14 years since my daughter, Grace was born still and 9 years since her sister, Lily joined her. Life has ever been the same. I am not the same. I think it’s safe to say that this kind of loss changes all of
Loss Resilience: Living the Contradiction
I was once asked to describe myself in one word. The best I could come up with was: Contradictory. Trying to neatly fit me into a specific label or box is somewhat of an exercise in futility and frustration! I am a mother, yet I
I Miss Her Most In the Autumn
I miss her most in the autumn. My sweet Grace. It’s not the day she was born still or her due date. It’s not when I discovered I was pregnant. It’s not any of those anniversary dates that can sneak up and drown my heart
The Gift from Grace
Grace Hayden. My Grace. Sometimes I say her name in my head over and over again and it brings me comfort. I’ve been missing her more than words can express lately, my sweet baby who would be turning 14 next week. Grief has ebbed and