These last couple weeks as my book release approaches have been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. Hello, highs and lows!
Some days it’s been all I can do to just breathe and ride out the ups and downs.
Then today I realized something. The only part of me that gets caught up in the fear and uncertainty is my head.
My head can’t see the path forward. It can’t see all the steps and turns, the do’s and don’ts. That freaks my head the fuck out. My head wants the whole path clear and mapped out. My head wants clear instructions: This, then this, and then this and there you are!
My heart has no such fear of the uncertainty or need to have the path outlined step-by-step. My heart is clear and confident I will arrive exactly where I want and need to be regardless of the exactly unfolding of the journey.
Trouble is, I don’t always trust my heart so well.
After my fiancé and daughter died just a few months apart, my head threw up countless layers of walls, shields, defenses, and protection around my broken and desolated heart. No one was getting in to hurt it so deeply again.
It took 7 long and lonely years for my head to even begin taking down some of those layers of protection around my heart. Only now, after 13 years, has my head been ready to let down it’s final layer of defense and truly open up my heart again.
My heart is covered with scars and jagged edges. It has dents and dings and pieces roughly sewn back together.
And it’s beautiful and strong. Even broken and bruised, it has never lead me wrong. I am only now realizing and trusting that.
My heart has no fear of all the new adventures and journeys I am embarking on these days. It has no fear of love, not even the deep profound love that has the potential to break it to pieces again.
And, for the first time in a long time, I trust my heart.
Rumi sums it up beautifully,
“Your heart knows the way. Run in that direction.”
I say run. Walk. Fly. Bike. Swim. Crawl in you must.
However you go, go in the direction of your heart. Trust it.