Dear Birth Professionals
Birth Professionals, I do believe you mean well. I believe that it devastates you to have to say the words, "I'm sorry there is no heartbeat." I believe that these circumstances must be some of the most challenging of your profession.
But, please, please stop telling those having a miscarriage that "it will be like a heavy period."
For a rare few, that might actually be the case. For the majority of us, however, that is or was not our experience.
We suffered through terrifying heavy bleeding that lasted for hours or days or weeks. We saw and felt large clumps of bloody tissue - some of which was our baby, our dearly loved baby. We curled in the fetal position on our bathroom floor or bathtub/shower and sobbed with grief, with horrible physical pain, with utter devastation.
We wondered if this was normal because it was NOTHING like a heavy period as we'd been told. We desperately searched Google for answers or comfort or reassurance - and mostly simply became more confused and terrified.
After, often weeks or months after, when our bodies have finally healed, we are left with less trust in you. Not necessarily because you didn't care or want to help us, but because you didn't tell us the truth. Perhaps unintentionally you minimized or dismissed our painful experience because "miscarriage is really common" and "it'll just be like a heavy period."
Miscarriage is common. Ridiculously common and maybe that gets routine for you. However, those who are sitting in front of you learning their baby died are not a statistic. They are not routine. They are people, heartbroken people who just lost their beloved baby.
I know these conversations are hard. Grief and death are wildly uncomfortable topics to sit with. But please do better. Tell us the truth. Tell us what might happen physically. Help us find support emotionally. Talk to us about flushing or not flushing. Check up on us to make sure our questions are getting answered - we may not know what to ask in the fog and shock right after learning our baby died.
And please, never never dismiss the pain of a miscarriage as "like a heavy period." It's not a period, it's the body of our baby, however small.